Passive-Aggressive

The wisest mind has something yet to learn. - George Santayana

I was having a conversation with my kids therapist today and she used that quote when I told her about my self-actualizing path. For some reason it made me stop and think. I had a pretty good idea what self-actualization was all about but did I really understand it. So off to Wikipedia I went, figured it’s a good starting point and as long as the references are decent it will lead to more in depth knowledge.

So I read all about Maslow and his pyramid of needs, something instantly struck me, these should be parallel and not serial and looking at the Esteem and Self-Actualization tiers be intrinsically linked, I mean how can you have self-esteem until you accept who you are? It was the acceptance of facts and who we are that made me really curious. One of the things I was particularly boggled by and decided to noodle some more on was acceptance of self.

Ok.... so I can see me, I can introspect me and self-examine personality traits. What if my perception is skewed? Take someone with a personality disorder that involves perception distortion. Here self-examination would be a really bad thing, they would be introspecting and not realizing some of the traits were really bad but accepting them. Right...so this is where my thought process got a little wacky. How do others perceive me and my actions? How do I tap into those thoughts and perceptions? Most people don’t want to tell you that you are a wacko, and you can’t drag around a licensed psychologist all day every day to observe you. Well put it this way, if you’re under 24hr psychological care something really bad has happened. So then I thought wouldn’t it be cool to record someone else thoughts and then play them back, or even import them into your own conscious as memories, told you it got a little wacky.

One of my ex’s family favourites is to call me passive-aggressive. It was something I covered with my therapist, because lets be honest it isn’t very nice and if I was displaying any of those tendencies I wanted to know. So once my therapist assured me I wasn’t passive-aggressive and didn’t fit the diagnostic criteria at all I breathed a sigh of relief.

This only led to more puzzlement, why would they say I was passive-aggressive? To be truthful I didn’t know the diagnostic criteria so I looked it up. I’ve pasted it below from Wikipedia.

The DSM-IV Appendix B definition is as follows:

1. A pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. passively resists fulfilling routine social and occupational tasks
2. complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others
3. is sullen and argumentative
4. unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority
5. expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate
6. voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune
7. alternates between hostile defiance and contrition

I was still puzzled. Did they actually know what the definition was, or were they just using it as a buzz word? I’ll be perfectly honest, living with someone with a serious personality disorder is pretty chaotic. Sometimes to get anything done I would have to manipulate. I couldn't just rationally ask a question and expect a rational answer. Having an argument, or even a discussion with someone with BPD, or something similar is like taking a water pistol to a gunfight, painful and completely pointless. So I would have to manipulate, is this where they got the passive-aggressive from? It’s not something I have to do in daily life when interacting with people at work or friends. So I don’t consider myself that way.

I did warn you that my thought processes are often a little disjointed and sometimes a little leap is needed. I’ve not quite finished with this topic, more noodling required.