I had a rather deep conversation this morning, especially being Sunday and pre-coffee. You see I’ve fallen in love again. I hear applause from the wings, but …. and this is why I’m writing again this morning. Two reasons, one my psychologist thinks it’s a good idea and secondly because I want to be better. I want to be a better person, I want to be someone that the person who loves me back just as much can be proud of, and it really is a win-win.
Self-actualization
First a little bit of background, some of you may already know this but I have spent the last decade with someone who has a pretty serious personality disorder, exact diagnosis is unknown but looks a lot like BPD.
One of the things you realize is that crazy can be contagious, one of the areas I was most concerned about was my perspective, how did I read other people? Not just their words, but their actions too. Add to that, what is a reasonable response? How do others read me?
For me this has been the hardest to deal with, you see before I never really worried about it, but when you enter into a relationship it becomes really important really fast. This is where I fell down.
You see, I made some assumptions. Yeah not a good thing.
Luckily for me, said wonderful girl is very patient and understands what I’ve been through and is extraordinarily patient with me. This morning was no different, I took umbrage, yes not good, and a long conversation took place. What did I get out of it? Not what I expected to. I was actually in tears when I realized her perspective. It didn’t look much like mine at the time.
Then off she went for a coffee, sitting there, thinking, the realization dawned. So Nick, you’ve been through the therapy, but therapy can’t help you here. You have to help yourself here.
1. - She loves you, stop doubting yourself.
2. - She loves you, stop doubting your perspective.
3. - She loves you, just love her back unconditionally.
Easy peasy huh? Actually if you are completely honest with yourself it’s not. This is where the self-actualization comes in. It’s not an easy road to travel, but luckily there is a lot of good help out there. Check out +amy gabriel site which I’ve linked below.
So for me... how do I self-actualize myself?
1. I am me. Simple enough statement, but what does it mean? It means something different every time I say it to myself in self-talk, but in essence, it means to me that I am good, smart, and a host of other good emotions. The fountain of negativity that is my ex has limited effect on me these days. The fountain of positivity that is my girl has a profound effect.
2. Wow...this is a hard one. For me I need the most work here. I’m going to people watch, and I’m going to listen a lot better, and not just to what is said.
3. In an odd way this is the one that comes easiest to me. When I really sit down and think about it. Let the noise fade into the background all there is left is her. The trick here is getting rid of the noise so I can hear her clearly.
Well this is my first in the series of writing out my recovery, I’m not an alchoholic or a drug addict, according to the psychologist I don’t have any real mental health issues. Yet I’m still recovering, I’m recovering from a decade of mental torture and emotional ambiguity, and being able to admit that is pretty huge for me.
Self-actualization
First a little bit of background, some of you may already know this but I have spent the last decade with someone who has a pretty serious personality disorder, exact diagnosis is unknown but looks a lot like BPD.
One of the things you realize is that crazy can be contagious, one of the areas I was most concerned about was my perspective, how did I read other people? Not just their words, but their actions too. Add to that, what is a reasonable response? How do others read me?
For me this has been the hardest to deal with, you see before I never really worried about it, but when you enter into a relationship it becomes really important really fast. This is where I fell down.
You see, I made some assumptions. Yeah not a good thing.
Luckily for me, said wonderful girl is very patient and understands what I’ve been through and is extraordinarily patient with me. This morning was no different, I took umbrage, yes not good, and a long conversation took place. What did I get out of it? Not what I expected to. I was actually in tears when I realized her perspective. It didn’t look much like mine at the time.
Then off she went for a coffee, sitting there, thinking, the realization dawned. So Nick, you’ve been through the therapy, but therapy can’t help you here. You have to help yourself here.
1. - She loves you, stop doubting yourself.
2. - She loves you, stop doubting your perspective.
3. - She loves you, just love her back unconditionally.
Easy peasy huh? Actually if you are completely honest with yourself it’s not. This is where the self-actualization comes in. It’s not an easy road to travel, but luckily there is a lot of good help out there. Check out +amy gabriel site which I’ve linked below.
So for me... how do I self-actualize myself?
1. I am me. Simple enough statement, but what does it mean? It means something different every time I say it to myself in self-talk, but in essence, it means to me that I am good, smart, and a host of other good emotions. The fountain of negativity that is my ex has limited effect on me these days. The fountain of positivity that is my girl has a profound effect.
2. Wow...this is a hard one. For me I need the most work here. I’m going to people watch, and I’m going to listen a lot better, and not just to what is said.
3. In an odd way this is the one that comes easiest to me. When I really sit down and think about it. Let the noise fade into the background all there is left is her. The trick here is getting rid of the noise so I can hear her clearly.
Well this is my first in the series of writing out my recovery, I’m not an alchoholic or a drug addict, according to the psychologist I don’t have any real mental health issues. Yet I’m still recovering, I’m recovering from a decade of mental torture and emotional ambiguity, and being able to admit that is pretty huge for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment