Are We a people of Poles?

I don't mean the type from Eastern Europe either, but rather a people who have lost their grey.

Everywhere I turn these days everyone has to be in one camp or another, there is no grey left. There is no opinion unless it is mine, anything in disagreement is not given the benefit of the doubt but is automatically condescending, snide, and/or derogatory. Where has our tolerance gone?

We have become a people obsessed by truth, by what we can prove. There is a huge and obsessive push for truth, that we should propagate this truth to our children and deliver them from the lies of the past. Now, well-informed, free-thinking children is a good thing, but so was believing in Santa and the Tooth Fairy.

Where has the grey gone? Whatever happened to that childhood innocence?

Back when I was a little un, I believed in Santa, I went to church, believed in God, baby Jesus, the whole nine yards. That changed over the years, my belief system changed, I'm now an atheist. We tell our kids these little fibs all the time, sometimes to allay fear, sometimes to comfort them. They are children after all and deserve to not be exposed to the world and all it's horrors just because that's the truth.

So we become selective with the truth we tell? Or are we selective with the truth we accept?

Moving on from the piffle we sometimes tell our children. I had a rather peculiar experience yesterday. I sat and watched someone come apart right in front of me. I sat and answered my questions and asked a few. What I saw was a refusal to accept a truth. It made me ask myself, why is it so hard for some of us to accept some truths, to the point of becoming unglued. I see such rigidity in beliefs and have a hard time reconciling that. I guess I believe some things to be true, but a truth is an altogether different animal. Truth is rigid and inflexible.

Folks talk about seeking Truth. I find myself wondering whether that is a good idea, I mean would it not be better to seek a continual evolution of thought, continual improvement and exploring new pathways. Rather than seeking the singular, seek something less tangible, something that provides room for growth and change.

Wallow in the Grey, not in the Truth of Black and White.

The Power Really is with the People...

I've seen a lot of back and forth on social media in the recent weeks, on one side the democrats, the other the republicans. What puzzles me is that there really is no choice. Recent changes to the election rules and process have removed that choice. If you look at the money being donated by various PAC's it gets obscene, the politicians are in the pockets of the super rich and various corporations before the ballots are even counted. I can imagine easily what happens should a politician have an attack of conscience these days. 

"Do as we say or we'll pull your campaign funding and give it to your opponent who will be more compliant with our direction."

What chance does the average person have here? Little? None? When the media is controlled by the same shadowy figures in the background. It reminds me of a clip from an oldish film, something I used to giggle at but has ended up being a little more profound than likely originally intended.

We all laughed, at least those who have seen this scene. But how accurate has it become, it may not be five. There is a list, recently published by Sen. Bernie Sanders listing people who have contributed significant sums to various political campaigns. Removing the slant and just looking at the numbers, the first thing I thought of was what are people getting from this, you don't donate that kind of money without some sort of payoff. So what do you get for a $15,200,000.00 donation to a party or candidate?

Anyone who can still look me in the face and say democracy still works needs to check themselves into a facility for a good mental health work-up or M.I.T. as the first living trans-dimensional transfer, as this isn't the reality most of us are familiar with.

A look at the statistics.

Looking at some of the polls and I'll only list one here, from Gallup.

I'm not sure about you, but if I had a performance rating that hadn't exceeded 18% for a year I don't think my employment would still be a reality, I certainly wouldn't expect a paycheck for performing so poorly. So why does the electorate tolerate this from the people they elected?

There was a viral e-mail that circulated last year called the 2011 Congressional Reform Act, it's resurfaced again this year and is doing the rounds on both Facebook as well as Google+. Though it contains some dubious claims it makes some reasonable demands. The problem is that there is no cohesive movement, it consists of various grassroots folks who need to come together and form a single movement. One of them is petition2congress.com. The key is keep it simple and very straightforward, no room for debate for it to get bogged down in. So how do the People get what they want?

1. First you ask

Well I guess the first step is to just plain call your Congressmen and women and ask. We as a people want constitutional reform. Here are our demands, action them or we kick you out at the next election.

Hmmm....I can't see that working, they say "no" and we are left to elect Peter instead of Paul at the next election. So now we cycle between two candidates who are not about to bite the hand that feeds them. Another avenue is..,

2. Constitutional Convention

So congress refuses to act or even discuss constitutional reform, to be honest I wouldn't expect them to. There is a mechanism for the States to work without Congress, Article V of the Constitution.

The Congress, whenever two thirds of both Houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution, or, on the Application of the Legislatures of two thirds of the several States, shall call a Convention for proposing Amendments, which, in either Case, shall be valid to all Intents and Purposes, as Part of this Constitution, when ratified by the Legislatures of three fourths of the several States or by Conventions in three fourths thereof, as the one or the other Mode of Ratification may be proposed by the Congress; Provided that no Amendment which may be made prior to the Year One thousand eight hundred and eight shall in any Manner affect the first and fourth Clauses in the Ninth Section of the first Article; and that no State, without its Consent, shall be deprived of its equal Suffrage in the Senate.

So get two thirds of the states to petition for it and it can be done. Though I think we'll run into the same problem in step 1. We're still dealing with money and politics. So should the States be unwilling to entertain the notion of restricting political careers, we move on to step 3.

3. Recall Elections

You have a politician or system that refuses to comply with the wishes of the majority. When you're stuck in a rut you need some leverage to get out, usually in the form of a lever or crowbar. Currently I'm having some work done on my house, oddly enough it now seems rather apt that one of the contractors referred to a crow bar as an "attitude readjuster". Recall elections have different requirements in different states, and I'll not go into all the details. It might not be quick, the People may need to become recursive, working their way down to possibly local levels to get their voices heard. But then maybe change needs to start at the roots in local government.

4. Power comes back to the people

Eventually we get to step 4. Power comes back to those who own it, not those who have purchased it. For too long we have listened to the popular mainstream media, listened to the bickering between the left and the right. The Internet has brought a whole new dimension to the world, movements can now be ethereal, composed of nothing but pulses of light within an optical network. The pulses can pack punches, and virtual punches land as hard as physical ones at the ballot box.

Left or Right, Republican or Democrat, whatever you choose to call yourself, it doesn't matter. Soon the cats will realize the dogs are not the enemy.

Founders' Day - View from a Norm

A very busy and very enlightening weekend.


This weekend I travelled to Akron, OH for the Founders' Day conference, it left me changed in many ways and all for the better. I arrived with far too many pre-conceived ideas and left with a few much better ones.


I set off from the office on Friday, making my west as I usually do along I-76. Cruise control set and I settle into the 270 mile stretch to Pittsburgh. I tend to do a lot of thinking while I'm driving, I figure why not? Not like I have anyone to talk to. My mind was filled with thoughts of what I was to experience in the coming two days. I had never really spent much time with alcoholics in a group. Sure I had met a few, but never really got to know them. I like most of those not afflicted with this disease had a few stereotypes depicted in my head. I must admit I was a little nervous. I felt like I was going to Mars in a way.


I arrived at Amy's and was met in usual fashion, a hug, a kiss, an "I've missed you". These really are some of my favourite moments, I miss her all the time when we're apart. We got ready and set off for Akron. Founders' Day is held on the University of Akron Campus in various buildings.


We arrived.


Instantly all those pre-conceived ideas evaporated. Everyone was friendly, all wanting to introduce themselves and shake my hand. People from all walks of life. BAM! But they don't look like alcoholics, as soon as the thought entered my head I felt like an instant moron. Well of course they don't. Later on in the evening I was listening to a speaker who reiterated all my thoughts. I didn't feel so foolish. I was more ashamed for thinking them in the first place. The evening ended and we met some more people and I listened to some more stories, they all had a common theme. Strength, survival, and daily work. I also learned that it's ok to talk about alcohol to an alcoholic, something that had made me uncomfortable earlier. I was being introduced to the open honesty that is a pervading theme through AA. The evening finished and we made our way home.


The following day was the big meeting, with the guest speaker, his story was truly remarkable. But that wasn't what resonated with me. It was the recital of the twelve steps. With each one read aloud I started to understand more and more, they seemed familiar.


I spent the best part of 10 years in a marriage with someone with some extreme mental health issues. All the signs of abuse were there, separation from support system, isolation, the list goes on. For those of you not familiar with the Twelve Steps they are listed below.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

So you may wonder what has this to do with a non-alcoholic, well everything. When I came out of the marriage I admitted to myself that I needed help and submitted to therapy to get that help. I went most weeks to a psychologist and spent time discussing and talking and working through my issues. I had quite a few.

Once I became happier with myself I started to cast the net a little wider, and look to all those I had impacted, this centered around my children primarily the harm I had caused through my own inaction. I couldn't change the past so the only I felt I could make amends was through making the future the best I could.

As I continued I found I could introspect and self-actualize more and more, I still solicit counsel and advice from my psychologist and I know she reads these blog posts. As you can see, the twelve steps provide a great framework for anyone in recovery. I sat and discussed this with Amy after the meeting and we both walked through them drawing the parallels. Suddenly everything made more sense, I understood Amy's recovery in new depths too. That was the biggest gift the weekend gave me.

I met all types this weekend, all walks of life, and everyone I met was happy, honest, and open. Some asked if I was sober, and I would explain that I wasn't an alcoholic, and that didn't seem to matter, they still welcomed me in. I would tell them about my experiences with alcohol, trading war stories if you like. I found myself liking these people more and more. I liked the lack of ego, we were all just people with no rank or station. There was an air of happiness that was almost tangible and seeped its way into everything and everyone. I don't make friends easily, I'm a bit of a cynic and tend to think most people are full of shit, not here, here I wanted to be part of everything. In a way even as an outsider I felt at home. I knew I would never be one, but that didn't seem to matter to me or anyone that I met.

Driving home today, another 400 miles and 6 1/2 hours with lots of time to think. I reflected on my experiences from the weekend. I had met some incredible people, and I found myself admiring them and respecting them for what they had achieved. Listening to their stories I found myself thinking, wow! that is an achievement. To take a life debilitating illness and recover from it, and then not only survive but have to actually manage every day for the rest of your life. I think that is something to be admired; the overcoming of adversity, the dedication to the ongoing management. I thought of it along the lines of surviving cancer and then adding the daily management of an illness like diabetes on top of that. These people get the attaboys, the pats on the back, the admiration from media and others. Alcoholics don't get that, the social stigma that is applied to their disease doesn't allow it and that is a real shame. As evidenced by the people I met at the weekend I found them to be some of the most courageous and resilient people I have ever had the honor to meet, and I would think it a privilege for them to call me their friend. 

What if, what that

So next up on deck of the introspection aircraft carrier, over-analyzing.


Well this is a biggie for me, I didn't always be this way either. After a decade with the irrational I found my self planning every thing I said, thinking through all possible outcomes. If I was told something by irrational then I would think through every possible meaning. Well that was doomed to failure as I was applying rational measures. If you try to apply rational to irrational in physics you end up with black holes and shit, I think the same should apply to emotions too.


It's tough to learn to take things at face value and not look for all the hidden meanings. To not analyse what you're about to say for fear of having a wild interpretation applied to it. It's work! To be honest I didn't know where to start. So I started small. I found that proof by example was the best way, every time my own assumptions were correct I found it reinforced it within me. Each time added a brick, a reaffirmation of what my head already knew to be true.


My missus gave me a great way to look at this, I have to get through the 18" of shit between my head and my heart. Each time I reaffirm I wade another step through the poo.


Things are progressing nicely and Amy is extremely patient with me, she is a star. We work together and support each other. I'm a very lucky guy.

Some Analytics

So I installed Google analytics to my template...lets see if they are working :)

Unplugged...

So I've been mulling some thoughts over in my head for the past couple days. They sort of bubbled up to the surface today. I have an unhealthy obsession with Google+, well not just Google+ but technology in general, the Internet is a fickle thing.

First off lets look at Google+.

1. I am here in a purely social capacity, I have no requirement to be connected 24/7. It occurred to me on my drive home, the Google+ stream is evil. Joking aside, it's almost like a fruit machine, spin the stream, we have a winner. The more you circle the more chance of winning, i.e. finding something interesting or to tickle your fancy.

And here's the rub... IT WILL STILL BE THERE LATER. I suddenly realized that, which is a little odd for a chap who persists data for a living.

So what am I going to do, GTFO that's what. It was getting to the point of, ooh let me finish a task at work so I can spin the stream. WTF a little red box, that must be important. I had better stop what I'm doing and check it! Now I am being a little unfair on myself, purely because that's how Amy and I can keep in touch during the day, with the vagaries of corporate IT policy blocking on firewalls it has proven a reliable method. When I come home and I'm sitting having dinner or having a delightful conversation, is there any real need? I don't think so. I wrote a comment a couple of days ago on a thread along the lines of "I've lived in my house for 3 years but it wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I step foot in my neighbors house" I mean really??? When I was a kid we were in and out and through all the houses on my street, I knew everyone, even the cranky old bugger who didn't cut his grass or open his curtains. This is why I need to unplug a little. Find some balance in my Internet use. I can have all these virtual friends,but I can't make the effort to cross the street for a cup of coffee. Maybe this is what's wrong with society as a whole, community spirit is gone. Well starting now, and late is better than never I'm making some changes!

Ok, and to those who I follow intently, Amy in particular, I'm not plusfucking, I'm just catching up.

Next up.... The dreaded smartphone.

This thing is a curse, I mean it! First a little back story....

I have a fabulous fiancee in Amy, we met on Google+, fell in love unequivocally, and will be getting married on 07/27, a year to the day we met. She lives 400 miles away from me across a long ass state called PA. We rely on the Internet for all of our daily communication. Interestingly enough she is very good at putting the phone down, though I suspect her obsession with Google+ runs a little deeper :P

Right now you're wondering where the curse is I bet. Can someone explain to me why I obsessively check it all the time through the day. It sits on my desk at work, whispering slide to unlock trying to corrupt my current thought process.

HELLO! IT HAS A RINGER. THE FUCKING THING WILL BEEP WHEN IT REQUIRES SOME ATTENTION.

So knowing that why do I find it continually in my hand, it's like it's almost surgically attached. I don't need to continually fondle you, you electronic Jezebel!

The answer for this one is right in front of me too, my work blackberry goes on the mantelpiece when I get home, once Amy moves, Jezebel has a new home too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is so much going on right in front of us, yet that's not good enough, we insist that more interesting things are happening in a place that consists of electrons whizzing back and forth.

So with my exorcism complete I intend to unplug more often and focus on what is at hand, what I can touch, I hope some of you will too.

Legal Marriage, just bin it

So I've been watching all the hullabaloo over the last couple days, the outrage from people on either side and even in the middle. Seems nobody is happy and there is neither result was going to make anyone happy.

So I started thinking is there a third way....

Well I think there is. First lets get some definitions down. I'll be using them later, these aren't the dictionary definitions, just mine to separate the two concepts.

1. Legal Marriage is the protections afforded under the law.
2. Traditional or Religious Marriage is the ceremony of actually getting married and what constitutes the rules around being married.

The religious aspect of marriage is a very personal thing, it's based on our belief systems, our culture and heritage. Marriage is different between a Jew, a Muslim, a Christian, a Buddhist, etc. Is anyone more right than the other no? These are beliefs not laws. No one system is more correct than the other and that's the way it should be. Amy and I, neither of us being religious in the least discussed a Quaker style wedding minus the religious aspect. Our friends and family would be given the opportunity to speak to us.

We would then still need to complete the legal portion of the marriage. The term marriage is a bit of a misnomer here, we're actually signing a contract between each other and a mountain of legislation governing the laws of said contract comes into effect. Not very romantic, and once you start reading it, it sounds more like a business contract than a marriage. So why not call it what it is?

There is of course another valid use case here, and I don't mean same-sex marriages, civil unions, etc.

When I was very small, my grandparents had a nice house in Edinburgh, I remember the red front door vividly to this day. Next door to them lived two little old ladies, and I mean little old ladies in the typical stereotype too, lavender tweed twinsets all the way. They had been companions for each other for decades, no relation to each other past friends. They lived in the same house, shared all the bills and responsibility, were next of kin for each other. Sounds almost like a marriage without the sex. The question becomes should they be allowed into a domestic partnership? My say would be yes, though it was not a romantic relationship but one of friendship and companionship, they should be allowed to seek the same protections under the law.

This is key, the idea of a domestic partnership does not equate to marriage, marriage is a ceremonial act and way of living, the partnership provides the underlying framework of law. Partnerships can take many forms, just like legal marriage now, there may or may not be custody, no children and those sections of the law do not apply, just like they do today.

I think once we remove the concept of marriage from the legal system, a lot of what people currently balk at will dissipate, they will be what they really are...

Contracts between two people.

A Google+ Hiatus

So last week in a fit of #nerdrage I deleted my Google+ account, it's a long story but there are many trolls and I decided I had had enough of reading about guys wanting to bend my fiancee over.


So I was left with squat, when I reinstated my account, my circles were gone as were my posts. A Google+ enema if you like, I was cleaned out. As a beginning, I recircled everyone I could think of that I interact with regularly, I'll let the rest grow organically.


So I decided to conduct a little experiment...


I had both my Facebook and Google+ up and running, why not engage where I choose. Amy tends to cross post between both Google+ and FaceBook so I engaged where I thought the interaction was better. I would look at her posts and comment/+1/Like as I saw fit.


Given this was a relatively small sample of posts, only a couple days worth. I found my self engaging with her more on FaceBook than I did on Google+. So I started to wonder why. 


On FaceBook, I can be more open about our relationship, folks comments in general were more respectable, people seemed 'nicer'. Not to say she doesn't happen to have that on Google+, but interspersed with all the decent folks, there are a ton of assholes. Not just the crude and crass, but a wealth of folks who have an appalling superiority complex, "Don't post that crap here, it belongs on FaceBook" is a comment I see regularly. Why people even feel the need to comment is beyond me, are they the Google+ thought police or something?


FaceBook seems more social than Google+, it also has its faults. Reaching people I've never met is harder for me. Google+ provides me access to millions of people I haven't met yet :). There is a lot of good content on Google+, and I've met some great people I would never have met otherwise.


The conclusion I eventually arrived was that there is room in this world for both, and I'll tailor my engagement to both platforms. My posts and engagement will go to where I think they are best suited.

When is the Virtual Real?

I've been reading a lot of posts lately about various people and their descriptions of in person versus online connections and relationships. Some of the thoughts I've been wrangling with is when is a virtual friendship considered real too, and are there any criteria to be met? Are there varying levels of online friendships as there are in in-person relationships? How do you know the person you know online is the same person offline? Does an online friendship come with the same benefits as an offline one?


There seems to be a growing trend that I see where people have more online friends than offline. I am quite curious about this, I consider myself to have quite a few of both but the people I consider to be genuine friends are mostly offline. This is not to cheapen the connections I have made online, but for me at least, I need the tangible, I need to look someone in the eye.


An excellent case in point would be my fiancee, we met online, and then offline very soon after. We both had the need to validate that the person online was a true reflection of the person offline. It engenders a new level of trust between two people. No longer is the relationship based on asynchronous messages back and forth, it's based on being in the here and now, and I'm happy to say the relationship is going from strength to strength.


So lets look at the flip side of the coin, and to be honest I can only think of one online friend I haven't met face to face. You can blame the HIRL and other events for that. How do I classify him as a friend? I have a genuine concern for his and his family's well-being, we enjoy a good rapport, have similar interests, but the level of trust is different. Would I trust him with my children? Probably not. Why? Because I've never looked him in the eye.


Social networking has certainly made it easier to meet new people and upped the odds of forming friendships, your net can be cast wider and seeking people out who are similar to yourself has certainly been made almost trivial.


But how similar are they really?


We all have our internet persona, we put it all out there in many cases, tell complete strangers our innermost feelings and failings. Why? Would you say these things to a person standing a couple feet away from you? Again probably not. It's like we are all children again. I often sit out on sunny evenings and watch my kids at play. I'm innately jealous of how easy they find it to form relationships. It's laughable, but one of the few things I remember from High School Musical and watching it with my kids was Gabriella saying,


"Do you remember in kindergarten, how you'd meet a kid, and know nothing about them, then 10 seconds later you're playing like you're best friends, because you didn't have to be anything but yourself?"


Somewhere between now and then fear and insecurity sets in, social stigmas are applied, and we lose that ability to just be ourselves. With the internet we really don't even have to be ourselves anymore, we can be whomever we want to be. So it comes back to the same question, how do you gauge an online friendship with someone you've never met in person. When they can be whomever they want to be and so can you. Would you still be friends?

Some Stop Kony Thoughts

I've been watching with interest the meteoric rise of the Stop Kony 2012 campaign, the goals are admirable in itself. Raise awareness and spur the government to action. Remove Kony. Put an end to child soldiers in the region. 

But...

I keep having this nagging thought, what happens after you remove Kony? It feels very like the Iraq invasion of a decade or so ago 

ok, now we won, removed Saddam, now what?

So how do you bring peace and stability to a corner of the world that is still very feudal and fractured along religious and ethnic lines?


Looking at the individual pieces...


The Local Area
The conflict in the region has been going on for over two decades. What happens to the vacuum when you remove Kony, likely someone else, also as unsavoury as Kony, will step in. The LRA will likely disperse and join other factions. I doubt very much it will end the war or bring peace and stability to the region. All that happen is that we'll have a Joe Warlord 2013 campaign.


The Politics
I'm not saying Kony 2012 should be dismissed, but politicians want the quick hit in the polls, and are looking to maximize their political capital from it. The less glamorous side of actually helping people isn't political dynamite as grabbing one high profile chap and then bugging out is. 


I would like to see a cohesive plan of engagement and assistance on all levels. Problem is how to get the morons that are in it for the flashing light bulbs to see that. What happens if the US gets involved in peacekeeping in Uganda, providing boots on the ground to keep people safe. Either we go all in or we don't go in at all. It's not fair to the people to go in as long as it's popular or convenient as evidenced by the first gulf war and what happened to the Kurds afterwards.


The Vision
It's a good idea in principle, though I think it lacks depth of vision, so.... you arrest Kony and extradite him to the ICC.... ok....now what? Come to think about it the US isn't even a member. 


Does Obama issue a capture/kill order? So now we execute people based on a verdict handed down in the court of public opinion and not a court of law?


How do you stop the next warlord assuming the space left by him? A lot of people are so focused on grabbing Kony, but what about the day after? Or will this be Iraq Mk2? Kony is just one piece of the puzzle, what really needs to happen is empowerment of the local people, give them the protection, tools, and education to be able to govern themselves in a structured plan. Don't just go in, grab kony, and go home.


The How
Easy peasy...there is a Reaper base in Djibouti :)


People need to get over the armchair activism idea and start thinking a little further than the initial goal. 

Valentine's Day

One of the new things I've been thinking about is holidays and various celebrations and what they mean to me, so with Valentine's Day being tomorrow I thought I'd have a little think about what it meant to me.


To be honest for the past few years it didn't really mean much at all, and I've never really subscribed to the whole idea of commercialization and the notion that this is one day a year when you have to do something nice for your significant other. This year is a little different. I still don't subscribe to those same ideals, but also I'm not the only pea in the pod either. Usually I don't need a special day to do something nice for the one I adore, most of the time I'll see something and think, "Amy would love that!" or "That is so her". 


A lot of the time I just listen, a while back she was saying that her cafetiere had gotten broken and that she missed pressed coffee. Like a lot of things these tend to fall by the wayside and never become absolute necessities. These are the little things that those who are listening can step in and pick up. so I had a look around and sent her one. A nice surprise to find on your doorstep. No Valentine's day required. We were actually talking on the phone when she walked up and found it. The excitement in her voice is something I'll always remember and treasure. I love hearing it, knowing that I did something to make her smile is priceless. I don't think I could do it just once a year, far too addicted for that.


It works both ways, it's always nice to receive a gift, knowing that someone is thinking of you too.


So what have I done for Valentine's Day this year? Well, on the off chance that Amy reads this I think I will just keep it quiet, and maybe she'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

The Adventures of Flat Stanley

Recently I was asked to help with a Flat Stanley project and thought it might be rather fun to add a little story along with the picture.


For Bailey Gabriel and her friend Flat Stanley.


It was a cold and stormy night. I was awoken as the ship rocked and bucked in the foam. Crawling onto deck the night was sullen and dark, rain lashed against my face. Almost from out of nowhere a crash sounded. A muckle cannonball punched a HUGE whole in the side of the ship and these pirates in kilts started swinging on board. Dressed in kilts and holding big, pointy swords between their teeth. I don't mind telling you I was a little alarmed. Scottish Pirates! The worst of the worst kind at that.


They took us all prisoner and into the row boats we went. A clunk, and one of them bopped me on the back of the head. When I woke up the next morning, I was in a cage, a prisoner with no way to escape! We were all sitting in cages on a desert island while the horrible pirates, who by the way had absolutely no manners, scoffed on mutton stew all around.


They had taken all my clothes so I had nothing but my underpants on, the meanies! I waited for night until all the pirates fell asleep, and one by one they did. Using my secret ninja skills, I picked the lock on the cage with a splinter and made my escape. Though it was not a great situation, I had no clothes. I was going to have to steal some pirate clothes and on the washing line was a kilt and a waistcoat, well that's not great but better than nothing.


On the beach was a little row boat, one of the ones I was brought to the island in, I got into it and paddled as hard as I could. The next day a passing oil tanker picked me up and brought me home.

How do your circles grow...

So this is something I've been thinking about over the last few days, I regularly see posts sharing circles and asking for nominations for lists.


This is my uber-cool circle or, this is my amazing engagers circle. If it is a subject based circle, like photography then fair enough, the rest of this post really doesn't apply, but for the other types and let us take engagers as an example, it does. So these are circles of people that you engage with and engage back with you. This, I suppose, means you have some interests or personality in common, but how are these circles and lists relevant to me on a personal level?


I don't have any history with these peoples, how did you find them in the first place? Will then engage with me like they do with you?


So I looked at my own circles, apart from the #NYCHIRL circle, I've never added a circle. I've never added anyone from lists either. So how did I end up following  770 people?


Looking at my circles there are a couple of distinct groups, people I know in real life and people I've met on Google+. The real life portion is fairly obvious, but the online is not so. Virtually all of the people I follow has been organic growth. Back in the day of invite only I met a couple of people, and to be honest I'm not even sure how. From there I interacted on threads and in comments, this lead to me circling and following. Almost like a neurons in the brain, bridges were formed and strengthened with interaction. Which leads to new bridges and the ever increasing network, every time I add a new node(person) I create a new link, each time I interact on that link it becomes stronger. This is very true of the relationship I am in. It started on Google+ and through interaction has become stronger and stronger, because of the level of interaction I can comfortably say it is the strongest link I have in my network. The reverse is true too, if interaction starts to wane then the strength of the link or bridge does too.


So if someone new to Google+ wants to follow this method of organic growth rather than be placed in a network by shared circles or select user lists how do they start? Where do you begin?


There is a big clue right at the top of the page, why not just search? Pick a hobby or an interest and see who is posting about it. Join in and start the interaction. You might not end up being friends with the original poster, but you never know who you'll meet in the comments. Business pages as well, look for something that interests you or that you have a passion about and join in the conversation.


Let the network grow from there, organically. Google+ is about people and the bridges and bonds you form in day to day interaction, follow this method and I think you'll have a much richer and relevant experience.

Google Schemer

What's right and what could be better...

So I've been playing with Schemer since closed beta and I must admit I love this concept, but I think it could be so much more and, in it's current incarnation really not that useful at all.


So how to make it better....


1. Turn it from a forum for people to wax on about the things they want to do and brag about the things they have done to a format along the lines of trip advisor-what's to do section.


2. Integrate with the Google Maps suite: Tell me what there is to do in my location.


3. Integrate with Google Offers: Give me offers on things like admission, 2 for 1, etc.


4. Check-in's and reviews: Let me tell my friends and others what I thought of my scheme.


5. Why are Schemer circles different from Google+ circles, or am I confused? Either way remove the confusion.


I think there is massive potential for this concept and will be a loud advocate for something along these lines. Too often I've found myself with time to kill and no idea what to do, Schemer could fill that void for me, and Google navigation could tell me how to get there.

My Weekend - Part 2 - The Fun

It's always nice to wake up in a warm bed, definitely one of my favourite things. Even better when it's not the bzzt bzzt of an alarm clock and your own body clock. After the drive the night before I was exhausted and Amy let me sleep in. I awoke to the smell of freshly brewed coffee, cinnamon rolls, and a wonderful smile. Perfection!

We always talk, we talk a lot, in fact hours can pass if we're not careful. The night before I had discovered my wiper blades needed replacing, so I trip to ACE Hardware was needed. Apart from that the day was ours. Knowing that Amy doesn't always get to see the movies she wants to due to the Ninjas having a predilection for pink and princesses, I suggested we catch a movie, an R-rated action movie, something almost unheard of for us single parents of small children.

Well on arrival at the cinema, Underworld Awakening was playing and was only a few minutes in, hurriedly we got our tickets and number 1 combo, and into the theatre we went. 3D no less!

The movie was pretty good, I've always like the Underworld series, good action flicks and the fourth installment lived up to the reputation of the previous films. I won't bore you with a review or anything like that. All I will say is that I think it's worth a watch.


Now Amy is a great cook, I keep telling her this too but am not sure she believes me, I used to cook for a living and sometimes I think I intimidate. But I will say it again... Amy can cook. She made us a great chicken and dumpling stew that was stick to your ribs good. We ate and we talked, I did say we talk a lot, and about everything and anything. Subjects range from kids to quantum mechanics. I love the way we talk, the way we can say whatever is on our minds and the conversation just flows. Hours pass and usually do. This time a couple hours pass and we realize we rented a couple movies to snuggle up on the couch to. 


Everyone comfy and movie starts....Amy nods off.


The following morning I have to leave. Usual sad faces on both of us. Never like leaving Amy, we have so much fun together, smiles never stop when we're together.


The drive home, uneventful and long, the drive home always is, each mile that passes is a mile between us. Chin up, we'll hopefully both be at HIRL NYC in a couple weeks :)

My Weekend - Part 1 - The Drive

Well when did it start? It started on Friday around 5pm when I got the final go-ahead from my arch nemesis!


In the car I hopped, pointed west and put my foot to the floor. I had a few hundred miles to go, but at least I had a full pack of cigarettes, full tank of gas, it was dark and I wasn't wearing sunglasses, so I already have a start on the brothers Blue.


My route takes me across the Delaware, up I-476, onto I-76, pyong west for 250 miles and then another 150 miles on the back roads known as US-22 and US-250 until I get to Dover, OH. All in all 411 miles, and apparently 6hrs 26mins of driving, haha yeah right!


And on my merry way I went. About an hour later and after a quick coffee stop, I get a text, "Be careful honey, it's snowing here". Ok, ok a little snow was never a problem. Then the "WINTER STORM, TUNE TO AM 1640" signs start to appear on the side of the road. So I diligently tune my radio to said frequency and squat! I mean all I get is hiss. Pfft never mind and on I go. The halfway point is Sideling Hill Service Plaza, I pull in and leg it to the bathroom because of the ridiculously large coffee I had bought at the previous stop. It's only when I come out I notice the little flakes of snow, hmmmmm.


Quick gas up and I'm pointed west again at a speed I will not disclose lest this be read by the PA State Police. Up and up I go, I can see the snowflakes now in my dipped headlights. Hmmm, quick flick up to beams and FUUUUUUU.... I slow down a bit. This was to be the start of a gradual decrease in speed that would last the night.


The weather stayed semi-crappy until Pittsburgh, sand blasted twice by plows, idiots that don't know that smooth is the rule when driving in snow almost taking me with them off the road. All in all not too bad. Past Pittsburgh and on to US-22 West. This is where the fun starts, to begin with it's not that busy a road in the daytime, in the dark and in a blizzard it's empty. Remember smooth, I'm still making decent progress couple inches of snow on the road and I'm still doing 40mph, pass a few who are not that comfortable, giving them as wide a berth as I can. Driving in snow is FUN after all, well let me rephrase that driving in snow is fun in the daylight and for about 30 mins or so or in someone else's car. Driving in a blizzard at midnight, yeah not fun at all. Keep trudging on and then I get to Weirton, OH MY GOD! for those of you who know the road, I'll let you giggle away while I tell everyone else.


At Weirton there is a hill, no I will correct myself, there is an Olympic downhill slalom course of a road. You get the picture? Steep decline, blizzard, dark. Yeah, but here there is the added bonus of a couple of Walmart semi's crawling down at less than 10mph and not even in the same lane. Do tires have edges like skis do?? I'm going to need some to pass these two trucks.


And over we go, after about thirty seconds I discover my ABS does indeed work as advertised, I never have a need to have it kick in normally, a little oversteer and around we go, and my tail end comes back to where it should be. First and last time I ever want to drift!


Along we go and over the bridge and into Ohio, woot! Not so fast, the roads get quieter, which means there is nothing to guide me to where the road stops and the verge begins, arrghhhh. It's still snowing and I can't see more than about 50 feet in front of me. Hmmm not good. Quick call into Amy, 
    "Hey Honey, does US-22 meet I-77?", 
    "Yes, in Cambridge".
That's 40+ miles beyond my current exit, but hey, the interstate will get plowed first. I chew this one over while I continue on, face glued to the windscreen in the vain effort to gain another foot of visibility.


The snow is getting deeper, my car is actual bouncing now with the ice buildup in the suspension springs. Not happy, not happy at all. I see a sign for Cadiz, 12 miles, well that's decision time, do I take US-250 or continue on US-22? Twelve miles of kicking it back and forth, I decide to take US-22 even though it means extending my journey I figure it will be more traveled and safer. The exit comes and goes...


... and so do ALL tire treads! Nobody has been down this road. Instantly, FUCK THIS. The GPS hasn't updated and reroutes me to turn around in 0.7 miles, phew!


I approach the turn, and then my good karma kicks in, out of the entrance I'm about to pull into are 3 snowplows pulling out. Next thought....


"I don't give a fuck where you are going I'm going there too."


I pull in behind them with a sigh of relief, relief turns into jubilation when one takes my exit! Yippee, I'm going to get to Amy tonight! At last I can relax a little as we bundle up the road at 40 mph again, 20 miles to the next turn and I'll take the plow for as long as I can. 17 miles later the plow turns to do the return. I don't care, 3 miles I can handle and there is more traffic on this road now. I finally enter civilization in Uhrichsville, the roads are still crappy but at least there is street lighting now and for the first time in just under 100 miles I can actually see the road in front of me, I can plan.


15 miles to Amy, a welcoming hug, and a warm bed. Plodding on, speed back down at around 30mph, 30 minutes of driving to go, for the first time tonight I can see my destination. Soon I'm leaving the exit and plodding through the streets, pulling into Amy's drive with an exhale and a thank you. Amy opens the door and welcomes me in with a big hug,


"You're early, I wasn't expecting you for another 30 minutes."


It's 1:30am, late enough for me.

Adaptation in Communication

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”      Anthony Robbins


The last few months have been really eye-opening for me in the field of inter-personal communication.


You'll likely find me talking about Amy a lot in these blogs, why? Well two reasons, I've found what I believe to be a healthy loving relationship with her, yep head over heels and all that. Also she occupies a lot of my thoughts, a lot of the introspection is driven by a desire to be better for her, not because I have to but rather I want to.


Over the past few months I've found myself adapting communication with Amy, before I met her I was a very verbal person and virtually everything was simply said in a conversation or wasn't said at all.


These days I've learned to read and communicate on different levels, I've learned to listen, not just to what is said in the audible. Rather I've learned to listen through prose and poetry, listen to the chemical, listen to the actions.


Amy is a very creative person and expresses herself a lot through poetry, often I know just how she is feeling from her poetry, what kind of day she is having, I'll be honest sometimes I get a little miffed the Internet knows before I do, but then again she doesn't always write poetry for them, a more than fair trade-off I think. I find myself reading her poetry and blog posts from a different perspective, a window into her heart almost. Coupled with the other forms of communication we share and it paints a very intimate picture.


The chemical one is a little harder and I define this as the way your partner smells on the conscious level and all those pheromones on the subconscious. But you had better be acutely aware of these :)


Actions are one of the traditional methods of non-verbal communication, I've really learned to pay attention here. Not being as creative, well at least not in the artistic sense, my actions to tell Amy the way I feel are little posts for her. Seeing something I might see in a catalog somewhere that I know she would love and sending her a surprise. Little things she will find on her doorstep a week later that let her know I'm thinking of her.


This is all about general awareness, how we can become much more in tune with people by getting beyond what is purely aural and including all forms of communication and painting ourselves a much richer sensory picture of the world.

Perception

Only in quiet waters things mirror themselves undistorted. Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world.

HANS MARGOLIUS

Shifu: "Po, the day you were chosen as Dragon Warrior... was the worst day of my life. By far. Nothing else came close. It was the worst, mostpainful, mind-destroying, horrible moment--"

Po: "Okay!..."

Shifu: "--I had ever experienced. (shivers) But once I realized the problem not you, but within me, I found inner peace and was able to harness the flow of the universe."

—While speaking to Po in the Dragon Grotto, Kung Fu Panda 2

The next step I'm looking at in my self-actulizing journey is my own perception, perception of myself, how I perceive others and the assumptions I make.

Last night I was sitting with the pirates(a reference to my 3 children, scallywags the lot of them), being Friday it was movie night, and last night was Kung Fu Panda 2. I do love kids films, especially if they are on multiple levels so that I may enjoy the "grown up version". One scene struck me last night when master Shifu told Po about searching for inner peace. You don't need to be a student of Kung Fu to make that a goal for yourself, it sits firmly on the path to self-actualization. Though what is inner peace, well that varies from person to person, so step one what is inner peace to me. I've been chewing this one over. My current definition, which is subject to change without notice or warranty, is that I want to be able sit, close my eyes and absorb the world around me without the noise in my head causing clutter. All those little nuisances that consume our idle thoughts. Could be money, could be anything. 

Being the pragmatist that I am I decided to break it down into bite size chunks. Perception is first up.

So my own perception of self. What is it? What don't I like about it? What do I like about it?

On the whole I'm pretty happy with who I am and where I am. I'm in a pretty good place emotionally, in a relationship with someone who is nothing short of perfect for me and I adore completely. Our whole relationship dynamic is a topic for another post. What don't I like? I'd like to be more patient with my kids at times, a little less snark maybe with others. I don't like myself when I get cross or snarky with others, so why do I do it? It's usually because I'm unhappy about another area of my life, so the plan is to stop myself, take a breath and go sort out the root cause of the problem. Wash, rinse, repeat.

How I perceive others and the assumptions I make? Now here is an interesting question to ask myself, I'll start with an example. This morning I made a rather salacious comment in chat to my other half, a short time later she posted a poem. Now the question to ask is that given our relationship, did I inspire this poem? Is that a reasonable assumption to make? This is where it gets a little murky for me sometimes, especially in the world of the arts where I'm a bit like a fish out of water to start with.

The actual answer is neither, what I came to understand is that Amy writes for everyone, she aspires to evoke emotions in her readers with words, and she does it spectacularly well. She can make you feel. If you haven't circled her on Google+ then you certainly should.

Once I understood this perception, Amy and I discussed it too,  a lot of her writing became a lot clearer to me ( I still don't like some of the more personal comments she gets, but I guess it comes with the territory). I have learned to read her a lot better through her writing, judge her moods, and distinguish when she is writing for all and writing for me. For me this was a large step towards inner peace.

The road to inner peace, not sure I like the description as it does sound a little twee, is the same as the path to self-actualization, to introspect and become a better person because of it, to seek that inner peace be happy with yourself and answer the questions within you.

Passive-Aggressive

The wisest mind has something yet to learn. - George Santayana

I was having a conversation with my kids therapist today and she used that quote when I told her about my self-actualizing path. For some reason it made me stop and think. I had a pretty good idea what self-actualization was all about but did I really understand it. So off to Wikipedia I went, figured it’s a good starting point and as long as the references are decent it will lead to more in depth knowledge.

So I read all about Maslow and his pyramid of needs, something instantly struck me, these should be parallel and not serial and looking at the Esteem and Self-Actualization tiers be intrinsically linked, I mean how can you have self-esteem until you accept who you are? It was the acceptance of facts and who we are that made me really curious. One of the things I was particularly boggled by and decided to noodle some more on was acceptance of self.

Ok.... so I can see me, I can introspect me and self-examine personality traits. What if my perception is skewed? Take someone with a personality disorder that involves perception distortion. Here self-examination would be a really bad thing, they would be introspecting and not realizing some of the traits were really bad but accepting them. Right...so this is where my thought process got a little wacky. How do others perceive me and my actions? How do I tap into those thoughts and perceptions? Most people don’t want to tell you that you are a wacko, and you can’t drag around a licensed psychologist all day every day to observe you. Well put it this way, if you’re under 24hr psychological care something really bad has happened. So then I thought wouldn’t it be cool to record someone else thoughts and then play them back, or even import them into your own conscious as memories, told you it got a little wacky.

One of my ex’s family favourites is to call me passive-aggressive. It was something I covered with my therapist, because lets be honest it isn’t very nice and if I was displaying any of those tendencies I wanted to know. So once my therapist assured me I wasn’t passive-aggressive and didn’t fit the diagnostic criteria at all I breathed a sigh of relief.

This only led to more puzzlement, why would they say I was passive-aggressive? To be truthful I didn’t know the diagnostic criteria so I looked it up. I’ve pasted it below from Wikipedia.

The DSM-IV Appendix B definition is as follows:

1. A pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. passively resists fulfilling routine social and occupational tasks
2. complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others
3. is sullen and argumentative
4. unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority
5. expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate
6. voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune
7. alternates between hostile defiance and contrition

I was still puzzled. Did they actually know what the definition was, or were they just using it as a buzz word? I’ll be perfectly honest, living with someone with a serious personality disorder is pretty chaotic. Sometimes to get anything done I would have to manipulate. I couldn't just rationally ask a question and expect a rational answer. Having an argument, or even a discussion with someone with BPD, or something similar is like taking a water pistol to a gunfight, painful and completely pointless. So I would have to manipulate, is this where they got the passive-aggressive from? It’s not something I have to do in daily life when interacting with people at work or friends. So I don’t consider myself that way.

I did warn you that my thought processes are often a little disjointed and sometimes a little leap is needed. I’ve not quite finished with this topic, more noodling required.