So this is something I've been thinking about over the last few days, I regularly see posts sharing circles and asking for nominations for lists.
This is my uber-cool circle or, this is my amazing engagers circle. If it is a subject based circle, like photography then fair enough, the rest of this post really doesn't apply, but for the other types and let us take engagers as an example, it does. So these are circles of people that you engage with and engage back with you. This, I suppose, means you have some interests or personality in common, but how are these circles and lists relevant to me on a personal level?
I don't have any history with these peoples, how did you find them in the first place? Will then engage with me like they do with you?
So I looked at my own circles, apart from the #NYCHIRL circle, I've never added a circle. I've never added anyone from lists either. So how did I end up following 770 people?
Looking at my circles there are a couple of distinct groups, people I know in real life and people I've met on Google+. The real life portion is fairly obvious, but the online is not so. Virtually all of the people I follow has been organic growth. Back in the day of invite only I met a couple of people, and to be honest I'm not even sure how. From there I interacted on threads and in comments, this lead to me circling and following. Almost like a neurons in the brain, bridges were formed and strengthened with interaction. Which leads to new bridges and the ever increasing network, every time I add a new node(person) I create a new link, each time I interact on that link it becomes stronger. This is very true of the relationship I am in. It started on Google+ and through interaction has become stronger and stronger, because of the level of interaction I can comfortably say it is the strongest link I have in my network. The reverse is true too, if interaction starts to wane then the strength of the link or bridge does too.
So if someone new to Google+ wants to follow this method of organic growth rather than be placed in a network by shared circles or select user lists how do they start? Where do you begin?
There is a big clue right at the top of the page, why not just search? Pick a hobby or an interest and see who is posting about it. Join in and start the interaction. You might not end up being friends with the original poster, but you never know who you'll meet in the comments. Business pages as well, look for something that interests you or that you have a passion about and join in the conversation.
Let the network grow from there, organically. Google+ is about people and the bridges and bonds you form in day to day interaction, follow this method and I think you'll have a much richer and relevant experience.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Google Schemer
What's right and what could be better...
So I've been playing with Schemer since closed beta and I must admit I love this concept, but I think it could be so much more and, in it's current incarnation really not that useful at all.
So how to make it better....
1. Turn it from a forum for people to wax on about the things they want to do and brag about the things they have done to a format along the lines of trip advisor-what's to do section.
2. Integrate with the Google Maps suite: Tell me what there is to do in my location.
3. Integrate with Google Offers: Give me offers on things like admission, 2 for 1, etc.
4. Check-in's and reviews: Let me tell my friends and others what I thought of my scheme.
5. Why are Schemer circles different from Google+ circles, or am I confused? Either way remove the confusion.
I think there is massive potential for this concept and will be a loud advocate for something along these lines. Too often I've found myself with time to kill and no idea what to do, Schemer could fill that void for me, and Google navigation could tell me how to get there.
So how to make it better....
1. Turn it from a forum for people to wax on about the things they want to do and brag about the things they have done to a format along the lines of trip advisor-what's to do section.
2. Integrate with the Google Maps suite: Tell me what there is to do in my location.
3. Integrate with Google Offers: Give me offers on things like admission, 2 for 1, etc.
4. Check-in's and reviews: Let me tell my friends and others what I thought of my scheme.
5. Why are Schemer circles different from Google+ circles, or am I confused? Either way remove the confusion.
I think there is massive potential for this concept and will be a loud advocate for something along these lines. Too often I've found myself with time to kill and no idea what to do, Schemer could fill that void for me, and Google navigation could tell me how to get there.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
My Weekend - Part 2 - The Fun
It's always nice to wake up in a warm bed, definitely one of my favourite things. Even better when it's not the bzzt bzzt of an alarm clock and your own body clock. After the drive the night before I was exhausted and Amy let me sleep in. I awoke to the smell of freshly brewed coffee, cinnamon rolls, and a wonderful smile. Perfection!
We always talk, we talk a lot, in fact hours can pass if we're not careful. The night before I had discovered my wiper blades needed replacing, so I trip to ACE Hardware was needed. Apart from that the day was ours. Knowing that Amy doesn't always get to see the movies she wants to due to the Ninjas having a predilection for pink and princesses, I suggested we catch a movie, an R-rated action movie, something almost unheard of for us single parents of small children.
Well on arrival at the cinema, Underworld Awakening was playing and was only a few minutes in, hurriedly we got our tickets and number 1 combo, and into the theatre we went. 3D no less!
The movie was pretty good, I've always like the Underworld series, good action flicks and the fourth installment lived up to the reputation of the previous films. I won't bore you with a review or anything like that. All I will say is that I think it's worth a watch.
Now Amy is a great cook, I keep telling her this too but am not sure she believes me, I used to cook for a living and sometimes I think I intimidate. But I will say it again... Amy can cook. She made us a great chicken and dumpling stew that was stick to your ribs good. We ate and we talked, I did say we talk a lot, and about everything and anything. Subjects range from kids to quantum mechanics. I love the way we talk, the way we can say whatever is on our minds and the conversation just flows. Hours pass and usually do. This time a couple hours pass and we realize we rented a couple movies to snuggle up on the couch to.
Everyone comfy and movie starts....Amy nods off.
The following morning I have to leave. Usual sad faces on both of us. Never like leaving Amy, we have so much fun together, smiles never stop when we're together.
The drive home, uneventful and long, the drive home always is, each mile that passes is a mile between us. Chin up, we'll hopefully both be at HIRL NYC in a couple weeks :)
Now Amy is a great cook, I keep telling her this too but am not sure she believes me, I used to cook for a living and sometimes I think I intimidate. But I will say it again... Amy can cook. She made us a great chicken and dumpling stew that was stick to your ribs good. We ate and we talked, I did say we talk a lot, and about everything and anything. Subjects range from kids to quantum mechanics. I love the way we talk, the way we can say whatever is on our minds and the conversation just flows. Hours pass and usually do. This time a couple hours pass and we realize we rented a couple movies to snuggle up on the couch to.
Everyone comfy and movie starts....Amy nods off.
The following morning I have to leave. Usual sad faces on both of us. Never like leaving Amy, we have so much fun together, smiles never stop when we're together.
The drive home, uneventful and long, the drive home always is, each mile that passes is a mile between us. Chin up, we'll hopefully both be at HIRL NYC in a couple weeks :)
My Weekend - Part 1 - The Drive
Well when did it start? It started on Friday around 5pm when I got the final go-ahead from my arch nemesis!
In the car I hopped, pointed west and put my foot to the floor. I had a few hundred miles to go, but at least I had a full pack of cigarettes, full tank of gas, it was dark and I wasn't wearing sunglasses, so I already have a start on the brothers Blue.
My route takes me across the Delaware, up I-476, onto I-76, pyong west for 250 miles and then another 150 miles on the back roads known as US-22 and US-250 until I get to Dover, OH. All in all 411 miles, and apparently 6hrs 26mins of driving, haha yeah right!
And on my merry way I went. About an hour later and after a quick coffee stop, I get a text, "Be careful honey, it's snowing here". Ok, ok a little snow was never a problem. Then the "WINTER STORM, TUNE TO AM 1640" signs start to appear on the side of the road. So I diligently tune my radio to said frequency and squat! I mean all I get is hiss. Pfft never mind and on I go. The halfway point is Sideling Hill Service Plaza, I pull in and leg it to the bathroom because of the ridiculously large coffee I had bought at the previous stop. It's only when I come out I notice the little flakes of snow, hmmmmm.
Quick gas up and I'm pointed west again at a speed I will not disclose lest this be read by the PA State Police. Up and up I go, I can see the snowflakes now in my dipped headlights. Hmmm, quick flick up to beams and FUUUUUUU.... I slow down a bit. This was to be the start of a gradual decrease in speed that would last the night.
The weather stayed semi-crappy until Pittsburgh, sand blasted twice by plows, idiots that don't know that smooth is the rule when driving in snow almost taking me with them off the road. All in all not too bad. Past Pittsburgh and on to US-22 West. This is where the fun starts, to begin with it's not that busy a road in the daytime, in the dark and in a blizzard it's empty. Remember smooth, I'm still making decent progress couple inches of snow on the road and I'm still doing 40mph, pass a few who are not that comfortable, giving them as wide a berth as I can. Driving in snow is FUN after all, well let me rephrase that driving in snow is fun in the daylight and for about 30 mins or so or in someone else's car. Driving in a blizzard at midnight, yeah not fun at all. Keep trudging on and then I get to Weirton, OH MY GOD! for those of you who know the road, I'll let you giggle away while I tell everyone else.
At Weirton there is a hill, no I will correct myself, there is an Olympic downhill slalom course of a road. You get the picture? Steep decline, blizzard, dark. Yeah, but here there is the added bonus of a couple of Walmart semi's crawling down at less than 10mph and not even in the same lane. Do tires have edges like skis do?? I'm going to need some to pass these two trucks.
And over we go, after about thirty seconds I discover my ABS does indeed work as advertised, I never have a need to have it kick in normally, a little oversteer and around we go, and my tail end comes back to where it should be. First and last time I ever want to drift!
Along we go and over the bridge and into Ohio, woot! Not so fast, the roads get quieter, which means there is nothing to guide me to where the road stops and the verge begins, arrghhhh. It's still snowing and I can't see more than about 50 feet in front of me. Hmmm not good. Quick call into Amy,
"Hey Honey, does US-22 meet I-77?",
"Yes, in Cambridge".
That's 40+ miles beyond my current exit, but hey, the interstate will get plowed first. I chew this one over while I continue on, face glued to the windscreen in the vain effort to gain another foot of visibility.
The snow is getting deeper, my car is actual bouncing now with the ice buildup in the suspension springs. Not happy, not happy at all. I see a sign for Cadiz, 12 miles, well that's decision time, do I take US-250 or continue on US-22? Twelve miles of kicking it back and forth, I decide to take US-22 even though it means extending my journey I figure it will be more traveled and safer. The exit comes and goes...
... and so do ALL tire treads! Nobody has been down this road. Instantly, FUCK THIS. The GPS hasn't updated and reroutes me to turn around in 0.7 miles, phew!
I approach the turn, and then my good karma kicks in, out of the entrance I'm about to pull into are 3 snowplows pulling out. Next thought....
"I don't give a fuck where you are going I'm going there too."
I pull in behind them with a sigh of relief, relief turns into jubilation when one takes my exit! Yippee, I'm going to get to Amy tonight! At last I can relax a little as we bundle up the road at 40 mph again, 20 miles to the next turn and I'll take the plow for as long as I can. 17 miles later the plow turns to do the return. I don't care, 3 miles I can handle and there is more traffic on this road now. I finally enter civilization in Uhrichsville, the roads are still crappy but at least there is street lighting now and for the first time in just under 100 miles I can actually see the road in front of me, I can plan.
15 miles to Amy, a welcoming hug, and a warm bed. Plodding on, speed back down at around 30mph, 30 minutes of driving to go, for the first time tonight I can see my destination. Soon I'm leaving the exit and plodding through the streets, pulling into Amy's drive with an exhale and a thank you. Amy opens the door and welcomes me in with a big hug,
"You're early, I wasn't expecting you for another 30 minutes."
It's 1:30am, late enough for me.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Adaptation in Communication
“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” Anthony Robbins
The last few months have been really eye-opening for me in the field of inter-personal communication.
You'll likely find me talking about Amy a lot in these blogs, why? Well two reasons, I've found what I believe to be a healthy loving relationship with her, yep head over heels and all that. Also she occupies a lot of my thoughts, a lot of the introspection is driven by a desire to be better for her, not because I have to but rather I want to.
Over the past few months I've found myself adapting communication with Amy, before I met her I was a very verbal person and virtually everything was simply said in a conversation or wasn't said at all.
These days I've learned to read and communicate on different levels, I've learned to listen, not just to what is said in the audible. Rather I've learned to listen through prose and poetry, listen to the chemical, listen to the actions.
Amy is a very creative person and expresses herself a lot through poetry, often I know just how she is feeling from her poetry, what kind of day she is having, I'll be honest sometimes I get a little miffed the Internet knows before I do, but then again she doesn't always write poetry for them, a more than fair trade-off I think. I find myself reading her poetry and blog posts from a different perspective, a window into her heart almost. Coupled with the other forms of communication we share and it paints a very intimate picture.
The chemical one is a little harder and I define this as the way your partner smells on the conscious level and all those pheromones on the subconscious. But you had better be acutely aware of these :)
Actions are one of the traditional methods of non-verbal communication, I've really learned to pay attention here. Not being as creative, well at least not in the artistic sense, my actions to tell Amy the way I feel are little posts for her. Seeing something I might see in a catalog somewhere that I know she would love and sending her a surprise. Little things she will find on her doorstep a week later that let her know I'm thinking of her.
This is all about general awareness, how we can become much more in tune with people by getting beyond what is purely aural and including all forms of communication and painting ourselves a much richer sensory picture of the world.
The last few months have been really eye-opening for me in the field of inter-personal communication.
You'll likely find me talking about Amy a lot in these blogs, why? Well two reasons, I've found what I believe to be a healthy loving relationship with her, yep head over heels and all that. Also she occupies a lot of my thoughts, a lot of the introspection is driven by a desire to be better for her, not because I have to but rather I want to.
Over the past few months I've found myself adapting communication with Amy, before I met her I was a very verbal person and virtually everything was simply said in a conversation or wasn't said at all.
These days I've learned to read and communicate on different levels, I've learned to listen, not just to what is said in the audible. Rather I've learned to listen through prose and poetry, listen to the chemical, listen to the actions.
Amy is a very creative person and expresses herself a lot through poetry, often I know just how she is feeling from her poetry, what kind of day she is having, I'll be honest sometimes I get a little miffed the Internet knows before I do, but then again she doesn't always write poetry for them, a more than fair trade-off I think. I find myself reading her poetry and blog posts from a different perspective, a window into her heart almost. Coupled with the other forms of communication we share and it paints a very intimate picture.
The chemical one is a little harder and I define this as the way your partner smells on the conscious level and all those pheromones on the subconscious. But you had better be acutely aware of these :)
Actions are one of the traditional methods of non-verbal communication, I've really learned to pay attention here. Not being as creative, well at least not in the artistic sense, my actions to tell Amy the way I feel are little posts for her. Seeing something I might see in a catalog somewhere that I know she would love and sending her a surprise. Little things she will find on her doorstep a week later that let her know I'm thinking of her.
This is all about general awareness, how we can become much more in tune with people by getting beyond what is purely aural and including all forms of communication and painting ourselves a much richer sensory picture of the world.
Perception
Only in quiet waters things mirror themselves undistorted. Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world.
HANS MARGOLIUS
Shifu: "Po, the day you were chosen as Dragon Warrior... was the worst day of my life. By far. Nothing else came close. It was the worst, mostpainful, mind-destroying, horrible moment--"
Po: "Okay!..."
—While speaking to Po in the Dragon Grotto, Kung Fu Panda 2
The next step I'm looking at in my self-actulizing journey is my own perception, perception of myself, how I perceive others and the assumptions I make.
Last night I was sitting with the pirates(a reference to my 3 children, scallywags the lot of them), being Friday it was movie night, and last night was Kung Fu Panda 2. I do love kids films, especially if they are on multiple levels so that I may enjoy the "grown up version". One scene struck me last night when master Shifu told Po about searching for inner peace. You don't need to be a student of Kung Fu to make that a goal for yourself, it sits firmly on the path to self-actualization. Though what is inner peace, well that varies from person to person, so step one what is inner peace to me. I've been chewing this one over. My current definition, which is subject to change without notice or warranty, is that I want to be able sit, close my eyes and absorb the world around me without the noise in my head causing clutter. All those little nuisances that consume our idle thoughts. Could be money, could be anything.
Being the pragmatist that I am I decided to break it down into bite size chunks. Perception is first up.
So my own perception of self. What is it? What don't I like about it? What do I like about it?
On the whole I'm pretty happy with who I am and where I am. I'm in a pretty good place emotionally, in a relationship with someone who is nothing short of perfect for me and I adore completely. Our whole relationship dynamic is a topic for another post. What don't I like? I'd like to be more patient with my kids at times, a little less snark maybe with others. I don't like myself when I get cross or snarky with others, so why do I do it? It's usually because I'm unhappy about another area of my life, so the plan is to stop myself, take a breath and go sort out the root cause of the problem. Wash, rinse, repeat.
How I perceive others and the assumptions I make? Now here is an interesting question to ask myself, I'll start with an example. This morning I made a rather salacious comment in chat to my other half, a short time later she posted a poem. Now the question to ask is that given our relationship, did I inspire this poem? Is that a reasonable assumption to make? This is where it gets a little murky for me sometimes, especially in the world of the arts where I'm a bit like a fish out of water to start with.
The actual answer is neither, what I came to understand is that Amy writes for everyone, she aspires to evoke emotions in her readers with words, and she does it spectacularly well. She can make you feel. If you haven't circled her on Google+ then you certainly should.
Once I understood this perception, Amy and I discussed it too, a lot of her writing became a lot clearer to me ( I still don't like some of the more personal comments she gets, but I guess it comes with the territory). I have learned to read her a lot better through her writing, judge her moods, and distinguish when she is writing for all and writing for me. For me this was a large step towards inner peace.
The road to inner peace, not sure I like the description as it does sound a little twee, is the same as the path to self-actualization, to introspect and become a better person because of it, to seek that inner peace be happy with yourself and answer the questions within you.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Passive-Aggressive
The wisest mind has something yet to learn. - George Santayana
I was having a conversation with my kids therapist today and she used that quote when I told her about my self-actualizing path. For some reason it made me stop and think. I had a pretty good idea what self-actualization was all about but did I really understand it. So off to Wikipedia I went, figured it’s a good starting point and as long as the references are decent it will lead to more in depth knowledge.
So I read all about Maslow and his pyramid of needs, something instantly struck me, these should be parallel and not serial and looking at the Esteem and Self-Actualization tiers be intrinsically linked, I mean how can you have self-esteem until you accept who you are? It was the acceptance of facts and who we are that made me really curious. One of the things I was particularly boggled by and decided to noodle some more on was acceptance of self.
Ok.... so I can see me, I can introspect me and self-examine personality traits. What if my perception is skewed? Take someone with a personality disorder that involves perception distortion. Here self-examination would be a really bad thing, they would be introspecting and not realizing some of the traits were really bad but accepting them. Right...so this is where my thought process got a little wacky. How do others perceive me and my actions? How do I tap into those thoughts and perceptions? Most people don’t want to tell you that you are a wacko, and you can’t drag around a licensed psychologist all day every day to observe you. Well put it this way, if you’re under 24hr psychological care something really bad has happened. So then I thought wouldn’t it be cool to record someone else thoughts and then play them back, or even import them into your own conscious as memories, told you it got a little wacky.
One of my ex’s family favourites is to call me passive-aggressive. It was something I covered with my therapist, because lets be honest it isn’t very nice and if I was displaying any of those tendencies I wanted to know. So once my therapist assured me I wasn’t passive-aggressive and didn’t fit the diagnostic criteria at all I breathed a sigh of relief.
This only led to more puzzlement, why would they say I was passive-aggressive? To be truthful I didn’t know the diagnostic criteria so I looked it up. I’ve pasted it below from Wikipedia.
The DSM-IV Appendix B definition is as follows:
I was still puzzled. Did they actually know what the definition was, or were they just using it as a buzz word? I’ll be perfectly honest, living with someone with a serious personality disorder is pretty chaotic. Sometimes to get anything done I would have to manipulate. I couldn't just rationally ask a question and expect a rational answer. Having an argument, or even a discussion with someone with BPD, or something similar is like taking a water pistol to a gunfight, painful and completely pointless. So I would have to manipulate, is this where they got the passive-aggressive from? It’s not something I have to do in daily life when interacting with people at work or friends. So I don’t consider myself that way.
I did warn you that my thought processes are often a little disjointed and sometimes a little leap is needed. I’ve not quite finished with this topic, more noodling required.
I was having a conversation with my kids therapist today and she used that quote when I told her about my self-actualizing path. For some reason it made me stop and think. I had a pretty good idea what self-actualization was all about but did I really understand it. So off to Wikipedia I went, figured it’s a good starting point and as long as the references are decent it will lead to more in depth knowledge.
So I read all about Maslow and his pyramid of needs, something instantly struck me, these should be parallel and not serial and looking at the Esteem and Self-Actualization tiers be intrinsically linked, I mean how can you have self-esteem until you accept who you are? It was the acceptance of facts and who we are that made me really curious. One of the things I was particularly boggled by and decided to noodle some more on was acceptance of self.
Ok.... so I can see me, I can introspect me and self-examine personality traits. What if my perception is skewed? Take someone with a personality disorder that involves perception distortion. Here self-examination would be a really bad thing, they would be introspecting and not realizing some of the traits were really bad but accepting them. Right...so this is where my thought process got a little wacky. How do others perceive me and my actions? How do I tap into those thoughts and perceptions? Most people don’t want to tell you that you are a wacko, and you can’t drag around a licensed psychologist all day every day to observe you. Well put it this way, if you’re under 24hr psychological care something really bad has happened. So then I thought wouldn’t it be cool to record someone else thoughts and then play them back, or even import them into your own conscious as memories, told you it got a little wacky.
One of my ex’s family favourites is to call me passive-aggressive. It was something I covered with my therapist, because lets be honest it isn’t very nice and if I was displaying any of those tendencies I wanted to know. So once my therapist assured me I wasn’t passive-aggressive and didn’t fit the diagnostic criteria at all I breathed a sigh of relief.
This only led to more puzzlement, why would they say I was passive-aggressive? To be truthful I didn’t know the diagnostic criteria so I looked it up. I’ve pasted it below from Wikipedia.
The DSM-IV Appendix B definition is as follows:
- A pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
- passively resists fulfilling routine social and occupational tasks
- complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others
- is sullen and argumentative
- unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority
- expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate
- voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune
- alternates between hostile defiance and contrition
I was still puzzled. Did they actually know what the definition was, or were they just using it as a buzz word? I’ll be perfectly honest, living with someone with a serious personality disorder is pretty chaotic. Sometimes to get anything done I would have to manipulate. I couldn't just rationally ask a question and expect a rational answer. Having an argument, or even a discussion with someone with BPD, or something similar is like taking a water pistol to a gunfight, painful and completely pointless. So I would have to manipulate, is this where they got the passive-aggressive from? It’s not something I have to do in daily life when interacting with people at work or friends. So I don’t consider myself that way.
I did warn you that my thought processes are often a little disjointed and sometimes a little leap is needed. I’ve not quite finished with this topic, more noodling required.
Word Economy
So tonight I was chatting to my better half(I hope she uses the same terminology about me :) ) and knowing she had a rough day and that she was having some good banter with her followers I said:
“ lol ill leave you to g+...pirate time :)”
What I should really have said was:
“lol ill leave you to g+, you’ve had a rough day go have some fun honey...pirate time :)”
Amazing how the injection of a few words can really remove any ambiguity from a statement. Now G+, Skyrim, restoring a car, anything really could have been inserted here. The problem was that I let the statement be far more open to interpretation than I should have. My intent was known to me, but did I convey that with the message I sent. Maybe, maybe not. This isn’t just on g+ either, in a world where shortened methods of communication are overtaking the more traditional we are moving towards more and more abbreviated forms of communication, SMS, Twitter are good examples here.
Email even, how often do we send 1 word emails? Responses, comments are condensed down to a few words. How often do you go back and read the things you said and wonder what point or opinion you were trying to make. Sometimes I feel that the art of conversation is being lost, vocabularies are shrinking. I use the google voice plugin a lot just so I can say more in SMS, having to type long messages on a phone keyboard is painful and VR doesn’t understand Scottish.
And so enters my own introspection and partly self-actualizing. Stop being in such a hurry. Take the extra thirty seconds to write something that is a little more coherent and less open to interpretation. Before the Internet and the technology of today people took the time to write letters, to compose thoughts. Why should that be any different today? It’s only delivery that is virtually instantaneous.
I’m sure everyone will be better off for it, I will try and avoid hurting some one's feelings or annoying someone unnecessarily.
“ lol ill leave you to g+...pirate time :)”
What I should really have said was:
“lol ill leave you to g+, you’ve had a rough day go have some fun honey...pirate time :)”
Amazing how the injection of a few words can really remove any ambiguity from a statement. Now G+, Skyrim, restoring a car, anything really could have been inserted here. The problem was that I let the statement be far more open to interpretation than I should have. My intent was known to me, but did I convey that with the message I sent. Maybe, maybe not. This isn’t just on g+ either, in a world where shortened methods of communication are overtaking the more traditional we are moving towards more and more abbreviated forms of communication, SMS, Twitter are good examples here.
Email even, how often do we send 1 word emails? Responses, comments are condensed down to a few words. How often do you go back and read the things you said and wonder what point or opinion you were trying to make. Sometimes I feel that the art of conversation is being lost, vocabularies are shrinking. I use the google voice plugin a lot just so I can say more in SMS, having to type long messages on a phone keyboard is painful and VR doesn’t understand Scottish.
And so enters my own introspection and partly self-actualizing. Stop being in such a hurry. Take the extra thirty seconds to write something that is a little more coherent and less open to interpretation. Before the Internet and the technology of today people took the time to write letters, to compose thoughts. Why should that be any different today? It’s only delivery that is virtually instantaneous.
I’m sure everyone will be better off for it, I will try and avoid hurting some one's feelings or annoying someone unnecessarily.
My Road to Self-Actualization
I had a rather deep conversation this morning, especially being Sunday and pre-coffee. You see I’ve fallen in love again. I hear applause from the wings, but …. and this is why I’m writing again this morning. Two reasons, one my psychologist thinks it’s a good idea and secondly because I want to be better. I want to be a better person, I want to be someone that the person who loves me back just as much can be proud of, and it really is a win-win.
Self-actualization
First a little bit of background, some of you may already know this but I have spent the last decade with someone who has a pretty serious personality disorder, exact diagnosis is unknown but looks a lot like BPD.
One of the things you realize is that crazy can be contagious, one of the areas I was most concerned about was my perspective, how did I read other people? Not just their words, but their actions too. Add to that, what is a reasonable response? How do others read me?
For me this has been the hardest to deal with, you see before I never really worried about it, but when you enter into a relationship it becomes really important really fast. This is where I fell down.
You see, I made some assumptions. Yeah not a good thing.
Luckily for me, said wonderful girl is very patient and understands what I’ve been through and is extraordinarily patient with me. This morning was no different, I took umbrage, yes not good, and a long conversation took place. What did I get out of it? Not what I expected to. I was actually in tears when I realized her perspective. It didn’t look much like mine at the time.
Then off she went for a coffee, sitting there, thinking, the realization dawned. So Nick, you’ve been through the therapy, but therapy can’t help you here. You have to help yourself here.
1. - She loves you, stop doubting yourself.
2. - She loves you, stop doubting your perspective.
3. - She loves you, just love her back unconditionally.
Easy peasy huh? Actually if you are completely honest with yourself it’s not. This is where the self-actualization comes in. It’s not an easy road to travel, but luckily there is a lot of good help out there. Check out +amy gabriel site which I’ve linked below.
So for me... how do I self-actualize myself?
1. I am me. Simple enough statement, but what does it mean? It means something different every time I say it to myself in self-talk, but in essence, it means to me that I am good, smart, and a host of other good emotions. The fountain of negativity that is my ex has limited effect on me these days. The fountain of positivity that is my girl has a profound effect.
2. Wow...this is a hard one. For me I need the most work here. I’m going to people watch, and I’m going to listen a lot better, and not just to what is said.
3. In an odd way this is the one that comes easiest to me. When I really sit down and think about it. Let the noise fade into the background all there is left is her. The trick here is getting rid of the noise so I can hear her clearly.
Well this is my first in the series of writing out my recovery, I’m not an alchoholic or a drug addict, according to the psychologist I don’t have any real mental health issues. Yet I’m still recovering, I’m recovering from a decade of mental torture and emotional ambiguity, and being able to admit that is pretty huge for me.
Self-actualization
First a little bit of background, some of you may already know this but I have spent the last decade with someone who has a pretty serious personality disorder, exact diagnosis is unknown but looks a lot like BPD.
One of the things you realize is that crazy can be contagious, one of the areas I was most concerned about was my perspective, how did I read other people? Not just their words, but their actions too. Add to that, what is a reasonable response? How do others read me?
For me this has been the hardest to deal with, you see before I never really worried about it, but when you enter into a relationship it becomes really important really fast. This is where I fell down.
You see, I made some assumptions. Yeah not a good thing.
Luckily for me, said wonderful girl is very patient and understands what I’ve been through and is extraordinarily patient with me. This morning was no different, I took umbrage, yes not good, and a long conversation took place. What did I get out of it? Not what I expected to. I was actually in tears when I realized her perspective. It didn’t look much like mine at the time.
Then off she went for a coffee, sitting there, thinking, the realization dawned. So Nick, you’ve been through the therapy, but therapy can’t help you here. You have to help yourself here.
1. - She loves you, stop doubting yourself.
2. - She loves you, stop doubting your perspective.
3. - She loves you, just love her back unconditionally.
Easy peasy huh? Actually if you are completely honest with yourself it’s not. This is where the self-actualization comes in. It’s not an easy road to travel, but luckily there is a lot of good help out there. Check out +amy gabriel site which I’ve linked below.
So for me... how do I self-actualize myself?
1. I am me. Simple enough statement, but what does it mean? It means something different every time I say it to myself in self-talk, but in essence, it means to me that I am good, smart, and a host of other good emotions. The fountain of negativity that is my ex has limited effect on me these days. The fountain of positivity that is my girl has a profound effect.
2. Wow...this is a hard one. For me I need the most work here. I’m going to people watch, and I’m going to listen a lot better, and not just to what is said.
3. In an odd way this is the one that comes easiest to me. When I really sit down and think about it. Let the noise fade into the background all there is left is her. The trick here is getting rid of the noise so I can hear her clearly.
Well this is my first in the series of writing out my recovery, I’m not an alchoholic or a drug addict, according to the psychologist I don’t have any real mental health issues. Yet I’m still recovering, I’m recovering from a decade of mental torture and emotional ambiguity, and being able to admit that is pretty huge for me.
Do I want to know more?
“Do I want to know more?”
Not so long ago I started down the path of divorce. Quite a relief and before anyone says “Sorry to hear that”, please don’t be it’s a good thing. I dutifully started some therapy as it was quite obvious I was going to need some. A few sessions the topic of dating post-divorce came up. To be quite honest the whole concept of the dating game terrified me, I was thinking to myself “I don’t have time”, “I can’t be bothered” the usual excuses. Anything that could postpone my reintroduction in some vague social circle.
Then one day I was sitting in a friend and colleague’s office on the 36th floor and the topic turned to dating. I explained how I was generally horrified at the prospect, she turned to me and said, “Nick, there is only one rule, the rest you can happily forget about because really they mean nothing.” The next thing she said,
“Do I want to know more?”
“Ask yourself that question after every date, if the answer is ever ‘No’ then it’s time to get out.”
Well a few months pass and July rolls around, I’ve been on google plus a few weeks and meeting people left and right. In the beginning I got into the habit of sending little introductory notes out to people that I was circling, well it seemed the thing to do up until the point I went circle nuts. One of these notes I sent out was to a girl I thought looked interesting. Wasn’t expecting a response either. To my amazement I got a reply. Well I wanted to know more and a smart and witty dialogue ensued. The next day I still wanted to know more, so I messaged back. Well that was July, it is January now, and every day when I wake up I want to know more, and every day I learn something new about her. Not always what I want to learn, but learning nonetheless.
Not entirely sure why I decided to write this post out, but it seemed like something worth saying, and such a small phrase has certainly put me on the right path and I couldn’t be happier.
Not so long ago I started down the path of divorce. Quite a relief and before anyone says “Sorry to hear that”, please don’t be it’s a good thing. I dutifully started some therapy as it was quite obvious I was going to need some. A few sessions the topic of dating post-divorce came up. To be quite honest the whole concept of the dating game terrified me, I was thinking to myself “I don’t have time”, “I can’t be bothered” the usual excuses. Anything that could postpone my reintroduction in some vague social circle.
Then one day I was sitting in a friend and colleague’s office on the 36th floor and the topic turned to dating. I explained how I was generally horrified at the prospect, she turned to me and said, “Nick, there is only one rule, the rest you can happily forget about because really they mean nothing.” The next thing she said,
“Do I want to know more?”
“Ask yourself that question after every date, if the answer is ever ‘No’ then it’s time to get out.”
Well a few months pass and July rolls around, I’ve been on google plus a few weeks and meeting people left and right. In the beginning I got into the habit of sending little introductory notes out to people that I was circling, well it seemed the thing to do up until the point I went circle nuts. One of these notes I sent out was to a girl I thought looked interesting. Wasn’t expecting a response either. To my amazement I got a reply. Well I wanted to know more and a smart and witty dialogue ensued. The next day I still wanted to know more, so I messaged back. Well that was July, it is January now, and every day when I wake up I want to know more, and every day I learn something new about her. Not always what I want to learn, but learning nonetheless.
Not entirely sure why I decided to write this post out, but it seemed like something worth saying, and such a small phrase has certainly put me on the right path and I couldn’t be happier.
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