This weekend I travelled to Akron, OH for the Founders' Day conference, it left me changed in many ways and all for the better. I arrived with far too many pre-conceived ideas and left with a few much better ones.
I set off from the office on Friday, making my west as I usually do along I-76. Cruise control set and I settle into the 270 mile stretch to Pittsburgh. I tend to do a lot of thinking while I'm driving, I figure why not? Not like I have anyone to talk to. My mind was filled with thoughts of what I was to experience in the coming two days. I had never really spent much time with alcoholics in a group. Sure I had met a few, but never really got to know them. I like most of those not afflicted with this disease had a few stereotypes depicted in my head. I must admit I was a little nervous. I felt like I was going to Mars in a way.
I arrived at Amy's and was met in usual fashion, a hug, a kiss, an "I've missed you". These really are some of my favourite moments, I miss her all the time when we're apart. We got ready and set off for Akron. Founders' Day is held on the University of Akron Campus in various buildings.
We arrived.
Instantly all those pre-conceived ideas evaporated. Everyone was friendly, all wanting to introduce themselves and shake my hand. People from all walks of life. BAM! But they don't look like alcoholics, as soon as the thought entered my head I felt like an instant moron. Well of course they don't. Later on in the evening I was listening to a speaker who reiterated all my thoughts. I didn't feel so foolish. I was more ashamed for thinking them in the first place. The evening ended and we met some more people and I listened to some more stories, they all had a common theme. Strength, survival, and daily work. I also learned that it's ok to talk about alcohol to an alcoholic, something that had made me uncomfortable earlier. I was being introduced to the open honesty that is a pervading theme through AA. The evening finished and we made our way home.
The following day was the big meeting, with the guest speaker, his story was truly remarkable. But that wasn't what resonated with me. It was the recital of the twelve steps. With each one read aloud I started to understand more and more, they seemed familiar.
I spent the best part of 10 years in a marriage with someone with some extreme mental health issues. All the signs of abuse were there, separation from support system, isolation, the list goes on. For those of you not familiar with the Twelve Steps they are listed below.
- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
So you may wonder what has this to do with a non-alcoholic, well everything. When I came out of the marriage I admitted to myself that I needed help and submitted to therapy to get that help. I went most weeks to a psychologist and spent time discussing and talking and working through my issues. I had quite a few.
Once I became happier with myself I started to cast the net a little wider, and look to all those I had impacted, this centered around my children primarily the harm I had caused through my own inaction. I couldn't change the past so the only I felt I could make amends was through making the future the best I could.
As I continued I found I could introspect and self-actualize more and more, I still solicit counsel and advice from my psychologist and I know she reads these blog posts. As you can see, the twelve steps provide a great framework for anyone in recovery. I sat and discussed this with Amy after the meeting and we both walked through them drawing the parallels. Suddenly everything made more sense, I understood Amy's recovery in new depths too. That was the biggest gift the weekend gave me.
I met all types this weekend, all walks of life, and everyone I met was happy, honest, and open. Some asked if I was sober, and I would explain that I wasn't an alcoholic, and that didn't seem to matter, they still welcomed me in. I would tell them about my experiences with alcohol, trading war stories if you like. I found myself liking these people more and more. I liked the lack of ego, we were all just people with no rank or station. There was an air of happiness that was almost tangible and seeped its way into everything and everyone. I don't make friends easily, I'm a bit of a cynic and tend to think most people are full of shit, not here, here I wanted to be part of everything. In a way even as an outsider I felt at home. I knew I would never be one, but that didn't seem to matter to me or anyone that I met.
Driving home today, another 400 miles and 6 1/2 hours with lots of time to think. I reflected on my experiences from the weekend. I had met some incredible people, and I found myself admiring them and respecting them for what they had achieved. Listening to their stories I found myself thinking, wow! that is an achievement. To take a life debilitating illness and recover from it, and then not only survive but have to actually manage every day for the rest of your life. I think that is something to be admired; the overcoming of adversity, the dedication to the ongoing management. I thought of it along the lines of surviving cancer and then adding the daily management of an illness like diabetes on top of that. These people get the attaboys, the pats on the back, the admiration from media and others. Alcoholics don't get that, the social stigma that is applied to their disease doesn't allow it and that is a real shame. As evidenced by the people I met at the weekend I found them to be some of the most courageous and resilient people I have ever had the honor to meet, and I would think it a privilege for them to call me their friend.
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